That word Love.
When I was very young, a man who molested me said, "I love you." At first, I loved him, simply because he was attentive and kind to me, in an atmosphere that was markedly short on kindness; in an environment where children were mostly ignored. I had no idea that when he said "I love you", he meant, "My sexual desire is out of control, and I must use your body in this fashion whatever the cost. If you love me, which you should, you will let me do these things to you without resistance or complaint, and you will forgive me, and you will never tell anyone."
Later, when I asked my mother what sex is, she told me that a man’s penis got bigger when he loved someone. I really began to wonder about the meaning of that word, love.
In my teens, when boys said, "I love you,” they meant, "You're mine, I own you, and when we appear in public together you will behave in an appropriate manner. I'll have sex with you whenever I want, and you must at least make an appearance of enjoying what I do to you." Or sometimes, they just meant, "I'm really horny right now, give me access to your body so that I can come."
When my father said, "I love you," he meant, "I'm sorry you seem to be hurt by the things I do and say, but I need to have someone to bear the brunt of my frustrated rage, and so I'm going to continue to do and say whatever I want to you, and you'd better just endure it without making a scene."
When my mother said, "I love you," she meant, "I'm sorry I’m not able to protect you like good mothers should, and I haven't adequately been able to hide the fact that I never wanted to have you, and I really need your forgiveness."
When my female lovers said, "I love you," they meant, "I admire who you are and I want to have access to you whenever I desire so that your qualities will be mine too. I want to control everything you do, so that you will never leave me."
What did I mean when I said, "I love you"? I certainly meant, please don't hurt me. I went around saying that to everyone (nonverbally of course, because in everyday reality I didn't easily admit that I was capable of feeling hurt). I meant, please help me. I felt the need for help really acutely, but I didn't know how, so I got really frustrated with my lovers, because no matter how hard they tried, they didn't manage to help me in any real way. I meant, life is too hard, please make it easier for me. I meant, please forgive me for all the wrong I do to you, for all my faults. I meant, please overlook all the times I nag and bitch at you. I meant, please see more of me than the tough exterior I present, and please love that other side of me, or, at least, please don't make fun of me.
Nowadays, I want those three words to mean, "I see the wholeness of all that you are in this moment, and I accept you without judgment, honoring your unique infinite beauty. In this moment my heart is joined with yours and I know that we are not separate beings. I support you absolutely in being fully who you are, even if that means that you will go away and I will never see you again."
And this kind of love without judgment is not something I want to be exclusive. I want to be able to feel this kind of love every minute of the day, with all kinds of people.